July relvelations - dream visions, hearts, and souls

Today, without bringing me much comfort, I came to this realization: we will all live a finite number of lives. It seems quite small and obvious, and whether you believe we will live 1 life or 2 lives or it will each be different, it is true that we will never live an infinite number of lives.

Most certainly this is true, as everything with a beginning has an ending. Our lives had to start somewhere, so they must end somewhere. Do people believe the universe is infinite? Perhaps, but Time cannot be. Here's why: if time were infinite how many moments of time would it have taken to reach this moment? Infinite moments. But that doesn't make sense, does it? Either way, there are people who have said reasons better than I could.

But, the interesting thing here is the implication this carries. If we have finite lives, there are only finite moments of pleasure, of pain, of happiness, of sorrow. Nothing can or does last forever. Forever.

There's that word again.

I don't have much to say about the state of things. I have forgotten all my memories, maybe. I'm not sure if I should dwell on them, they stretch out behind me.

There's no reason to dwell on them now, I'm not sure how I feel about them anyway.

My nights are filled with wonderful and wild dreams. I had a dream that you lived next door, and we met on the streets outside of our houses, somewhere between my house and the highway. We stood and I think you wore clothes that you don't own. The sky was a gray slate, a sheet, the trees were vibrant green. There were little bits of moth-pollen in the air, dusty feathery insect wings that floated down around us, just to the two of us, holding hands in the middle of the pavement, the tall grass on either side of us. We were in a hallway between natural and man made. The same place I think my soul might exist sometimes, my soul that has experienced some strange percentage of the meager amount of energy that it contains.

A certain portion of my finite energy is dwindling.

For the first few weeks in June my car was covered in a sticky tree pollen, covered with corpses of the little blooms that fall from trees late spring. I held on to this, a strange mixture of life and death. There was a clearness in those days.

My nights are filled with terrible and dangerous dreams now, hiding, wolves, people I don't know. A girl I've never seen warned me not to go out, warned me how to kill them if I had to. Said there were men and wolves that wanted to do me harm. I woke up so sure that nothing could love me. I don't quite know the reason. I'm sure not that it's wholly untrue, something that just isn't real, but when I woke up the feeling was so strong and ingrained. What has been chasing me in my dreams, what was it that made my mind feel that way, made it so sure? I can't say. Suffice: it was a difficult way to start the day, for sure. It was humbling.

Hearts, it seems, have a finite number of times they can beat. In animals it's a very good way to discover how long they can live. Say a cat, for example, has a heart that can beat up to 80,000 times, but not much more than that. A cat's heart only has so much blood to pump before it can rest. Human's, however, are different. There is no upper limit to the number of times a human heart can beat, at least nothing uniform that we can find. We could have a heart that beats for 150,000 times or 200,000 times or 95,000 times, and for each person it's simply their time. It's individual. It just beats until it can't, we just exist until we don't.

There's no such thing has a heart, then, that beats too slow.

And our souls move along to other bodies until they don't have the power to move. Then what happens to them?

If I had the power, somehow, to find out where our souls have been, I wouldn't use it. I couldn't know that, I don't want to.

When did it first stir within you, any of you? Who has the right to know, not even you, and you probably don't.

And that's just fine.


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Edit: This seems kinds of depressing in hindsight, and I certainly didn't mean it that way. Just something to think about, just the current state of my dreams, but dreams don't mean much, do they? Anyway, I thought all that heart stuff was interesting, and I wanted to share it.